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The Child Listener™ (Emma
Hartnell-Baker) created DIY Baby™ to enable single women, lesbian and infertile couples to build their families without needing to use commercial sperm donation options. Options that do not offer choices that proactively create a foundation for the development of positive family relationships, both social and biological.
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The recent case in which a sperm donor in Australia was removed from the birth certificate
- the only way to legally recognise the social mother who had been raising the child with the bio mother in the same household until the split- worried me.
In this case- and the focus of my discussion- there was an arrangements whereby
the man
chose to donate sperm as a donor. This case concerns me greatly as it could potentially make single women and lesbian couples think twice before involving the sperm donor at all. Many are already worried about 'losing' their child - even
though in practice it can mean the child gaining a parent. I support those who
CHOOSE to ensure that the child knows of their origins and ideally to have a relationship. It can work very well for all- but who you choose, and the decisions
you make, are vital.
I speak out for children and their right to information. Ideally they can also have a relationship with the donor dad if they wish. I also urge people to make their arrangement clear before conception- and know that this will probably change and evolve in time as the child will have their own thoughts, needs and wants. To enter into this type of arrangement means being emotionally 'strong' and able to deal with whatever happens, always looking first at what is in the best interest of the child rather than their own. Easy to say of course when looking at situations as an impartial outsider.
Contracts do not always withstand the test of time- and often do need to be amended to meet the needs of the child as they develop. Some may enter into an agreement that the donor be known and involved to a certain extent- similar to an uncle- with the two parents (or one parent) who had given birth to the child (and their partner) be the legal parent/s and the ones raising the child as such.
What happens however if the 'sperm donor' wants more? What happens if - despite there being an arrangement before the conception- that the donor be known as the donor (Donor Dad) he wants to be known as the father and to have equal rights? The lines become blurred- what is best for the
child? If the donor wants to be the father in all senses of the word- financially and emotionally supporting the child as a second (or third) partner- can we find solutions that make this work? Currently in Australia there can be only two people on the birth certificate- the names of the legal parents. I have talked previously about wanting to see an amendment to the way we use birth certificates- so that they show the biological parents and also the legal parents. Often the two are not the same.
Why can we not have 3 legal parents- as in this case?
As this couple did not (apparently) stipulate that they were to be the legal parents and the donor would NOT be a legal parent, their case could be fairly straight forward. However they allowed him to take on this role emotionally and financially from birth, and so it would be likely that the courts would consider all three to be legal parents if 3 parents could be permitted within Australia. And, indeed, that is what the judge in this case recommended, but could not enforce. The 'donor dad' has apparently been in contact with the Attorney General and others, and believes that it will not be long before this is amended. So the couple who have always thought of themselves as the legal parents will have to accept this legally, and that he can make decisions- eg if the child can leave the country, what school she goes to and more. Not something they had envisaged when they advertised for an 'uncle' type figure for a child they had planned for, to raise together.
So if you are contemplating bringing a child into the world with a sperm donor and do not want to have equal legal status in the future then learn from this but also ask yourself why not (I am not offering a 'right or 'wrong' answer to this- simply that you think about it) So make your arrangement clear from the start. Put this arrangement in writing with legal advice. Of course if the donor is not to be a legal parent then do not allow him to support the child financially. If you are a man who wishes to donate but ALSO to be the co-parent legally, then do not advertise as s sperm donor.
The original 'adverts' that helped to connect these parties was - apparently- as follows:
"Sperm Donor (sic) Professional male mid 40s would like to meet lesbian lady to view of producing a child. Full health details available involvement and financial assistance offered."
"Lesbian couple seeks donor, view to being "uncle" figure to child. No financial obligation."
So the original intentions were apparently clear. Now it seems the donor says otherwise- he insists that the terms of their agreement were not put down on paper to clarify the parenting agreement. Again, why I urge everyone to stay practical and do all of this before actually having the child.
It is also why I advise people to choose a sperm donor - and for the sperm donor to choose a woman or couple- that they are likely to want in their lives- similar ideals, expectations etc. If you insist on the child being raised Catholic for example, do not choose someone who is adamantly opposed to this. If you want to send your child to private school and the other parent/s do not believe in anything other than a State education- then don't choose to conceive a child with that person. Always think- if we were to all have to share parental rights, would this be someone I could stand doing that with?
For example the donor talks about the diet the mothers planned for the child- to ensure optimum physical and mental development.
He speaks of resenting the control the mothers placed on his visits, in part because of his daughter's restricted diet of vegan meals every two hours. As this is a fairly unique and extreme diet, why was this not discussed ahead of time? Anyone planning to conceive a child together should surely discuss 'deal breakers' ie things that are so important they cannot compromise about them. It gives you a chance to NOT therefore have a child with that donor or recipient. Perhaps the mothers thought that as this man was to be a sperm donor taking on an Uncle type role that the diet they were planning wasn't relevant to him. However the man never apparently thought of himself in this way, and as a father he did care about those types of decisions and seems angry he was not given equal say in her parenting.
In any case, the child apparently grew up knowing al all three adults as her parents. As you will know from my other posts the couple spit, and so the social mother had no legal standing. The laws had then changed to allow for same sex parents to be on the certificate- and so she wrote to the donor to say that this is what she wanted to do, only to get legal status. She said
"I am not wishing for your relationship with [the child] to change in any way. You always will be her biological donor."
The 'donor' was furious, writing back: "I take offence of this description. As far as I'm concerned I am and always will be [her] father."
He was angry about terminology rather than trying to think about what the mother was actually conveying, and without trying to work out a solution they could all be happy with. His anger should really have been directed at Australian law, and he should have supported her quest to be recognised legally- in the same way he wanted to be. It was only the law that was preventing this.
Instead, he apparently replied to a letter sent by the social mother with "See you in Court bitch" scrawled across it.
Since then the media have used this situation to sell newspapers. In most articles have been implied that the man has been unable to see his daughter now his name is not on the certificate and that somehow the courts, and the mothers are trying to deny the child her father. Even though he did not ask to be a co-parent- he asked to be a sperm donor. However he was offered far more. Apparently he had chosen not seen her since April. And yet much of the media is encouraging him to continue his legal fight- persuading him that he is the victim and simply fighting for his rights. Public fights make it very difficult for either party to then reach out for resolution- and divide becomes greater with every court appearance, legal letter and public slur. And why I urge parents who are having disputes to keep emotion out of it wherever possible and take on the role your child would want you to take.
As a 'voice for kids', and as the donor contacted me for advice regarding the situation, I urged him to stop his legal fight and instead work on rebuilding a relationship with his daughters mothers'. Any divorced man will know that the best way to be 'right' can be to go to court- but often the best way to actually have a positive relationship is to make an arrangement outside of court. However this means putting side ego and pride and actually negotiating with a woman he often despises. And that is where a really good mediator (I call myself a 'negotiator') is invaluable. Someone who is only really interested in the child- and in helping all adults come to an arrangement where they get as much of what they want as possible. I always know which are the parents who actually desperately want a relationship with the child as they will do anything. Adults can often get so mixed up in anger from past choices that they need someone to get them back to now- and to focus on the future.
I suggested
'So decide what you actually want. If I can help you retrieve a relationship with her do you want that- even if you have to put your feelings for her mothers aside? Or are you not able or willing to do that. If she decides she doesn't want to see you it wont be because of them Neil- it will be because of these choices. Children just respond to what you do to them - and how you treat the people they love. Reason, 'right' etc do not factor into it.
I know its hard to face, but if you actually want a relationship with her- a positive one- you will need to overcome your anger and choose to stop fighting. You CAN have a father daughter relationship if you stop now.'
And this is what parents need to understand. If the parent primarily raising the child is 'on your side' you will get more. Even though that isn't fair. It isn't fair that you have to be accommodating, polite, bend over backwards to get that. But if you want the best relationship with your child the hard truth is that only the person raising the child can truly facilitate that. They can choose not to speak badly of you, choose to be flexible re visitations, choose to give you more than the courts have given in a court order. Also bear in mind that when the child becomes older he or she gets to decide. And if the person living with the child doesn't want that there are ways they can encourage the child to choose not to see you. Its WRONG but it happens.
I have voiced my concerns to this donor that if he does not stop talking to the media, continues to take legal action and keeps refusing to see the child unless under his terms (ie that the mothers are not involved- the child is dropped off at his mother's house etc) then he will lose her. He may end up on the birth certificate as the legal father, but that piece of paper wont come and sing happy birthday to him when he's 60.
Any fertile man can be the biological father of a child. Many men are not worthy of the role of 'father' or 'Dad'. A father- to me- is something you 'are'. It is a verb. It's what you do. Many social fathers can be amazing fathers. What effort you put in, how the child feels around you, how you positive influence her and help her feel emotionally strong is what makes a good father. The difference, to me, between a sperm donor and a father is your involvement in the child's life. Not necessarily 'quantity' time but 'quality' A father could see their child only once a year if living abroad for example, but that time spent together- and what contact they have from afar - is what counts. A biological man could live in the same household and yet still not be emotionally 'present' for that child- and some could be abusive. I use the term 'father' to be an honourable label representing a wonderful relationship, where all may make mistakes and not be perfect, but have the same aim of bringing joy in the life of the child.
I would urge this man to be a father- a 'Dad'. To consider his influence in his daughter's life, rather than a legal term. While he focuses on this legal standing he is losing precious moments he can never get back. A good father cannot afford to say that he 'wants nothing to do with those women' if that limits his ability to see the child. The two do not go hand in hand. A good 'father' does what it takes. If he isn't able to see the child he writes to her, telephones her- does anything at all to keep contact and ensure that the child knows that they are loved and in his thoughts. He keeps his dialogue with her mothers professional. He does not speak of adult issues with the child. He grabs hold of any opportunity to resolve rather than fight. He may not like the person but he should respect the person as their child's mother (and vice versa).
As he contacted me I offered- free of charge- to be a 'middle' man and to negotiate, as a new option. He has been told that he cannot fight them in court again without having mediation. However he is so angry that this does not seem to be something he is mentally ready for. So I have asked that he step back, re-focus on what's important (the child) and let me try to help.
So at this stage I have asked the mothers and the biological father to keep it simple and decide what they want in practical terms. It could be a weekly visit, a weekend every month- telephone call every Weds...all need to decide what they want and can offer. We can then 'negotiate' - keeping emotions out of it. We can work something out for the child. Or they can find someone else to do this- but this should be the starting point. If that is not what either party wants then they will not agree to this. Because resolution is not their objective. If the man wants to be on the birth certificate and to 'win' at any cost, and for the courts to force the mothers to give him orders of some sort, then he is not choosing resolution. And this, to me is not something a loving 'Dad' does. A 'father' chooses to do what he can to be in the life of his child BEFORE he uses the courts as a last resort.
And if the mothers do not want him in the life of their child at all- regardless of her wishes- then they do not want resolution. They will know that the courts can stipulate something but that in practice they can do all manner of things to keep her from him. And that means they have chosen to put their anger towards him ahead of their child also.
The only way to meet her needs is to find out what she wants, find out what all parties are willing to do to fulfil that, and work together outside of the court system. The father thinks that the child will 'see the light' when older and perhaps choose to take the social mother's name off the certificate and add his. He thinks she will hold the mothers accountable. Again, something many adults would like to happen- but isn't a reality. What she will ask is- 'what did you do to see me?' and if he chose to walk away rather than try to resolve things, as he could not bear to even see the mothers, then she will ask 'you couldn't do that- even for me?'
Many people get caught up in what they think is 'right' and fail to see that this often doesn't get you what you want. If you really want something you have to decide if you will do anything to get it. Even if it means putting side your pride. It means being clever. It means learning to put on a smile for your child's sake and being polite to the other parent/s even though you want to kill them:-) It means learning to think of the bigger picture. If you cant do that then you are not 100% committed to your child- some of that percentage is committed to maintaining your pride and dignity.
The best 'fathers' in the world will literally do whatever it takes to build a relationship with his child.
Let's see what these parent decide. Their actions will speak far more about what they really want. It will tell us if this sperm donor 'deserves' the title of 'father' - regardless of biology or Australian law, and it will also be an opportunity for the mothers to show what they truly want for the child. He may be a complete idiot, but he is the child's biological father and should, surely, be given the opportunity to show that he can be worthy of the tile 'dad' or 'father' and not 'donor'.
Em:-)
Emma Hartnell-Baker BEd Hons MA. Cert Life Coaching
Known as The Child Listener™- A Voice for Kids
Creator of 'The Triple L Approach to Life - Listen, Learn and Lead'
If you would like to donate your best swimmers to a limited number of recipients through AI only (no 
sex) and for no payment (genuine expenses are of course covered by recipients) and as a known donor only please do apply here. FSDW look to recruit men who genuinely care about who they donate to, and who also think of the bigger picture. Men who children will be proud to know of as their 'Dondad' and who are happy to be contacted by them if they wish. You may also wish to register if you are only looking to donate once, and to actually co-parent. Many of our single members and donors have done that- and at least one donor and member are now happily married and raising their child together!
If you have any questions please do email Emma in confidence. Or post your general questions on our new facebook page!
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