"You do not need to feel worried or threatened by your child having information about their biological origins. YOU are the 'real' parents doing the hard work - soothing nightmares, trying to work out how to afford the latest designer sneakers...cheering at every school play. Biology may make someone a parent but it doesnt make you 'Mom' or 'Dad' and it doesnt secure an important place in their heart. However their DNA matters, we KNOW that from speaking to donor conceived children and adults. It's information they deserve and more often than not WANT - combined with amazing parenting! Please make choices that offer them that?"
The Child Listener® - A Voice for Kids
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The Child Listener™ believes that single women, lesbian and infertile couples should have options whereby they can build their families without needing to use commercial sperm donation options. Options that do not offer choices that proactively create a foundation for the development of positive family relationships, both social and biological.
FSDW
(Free Sperm Donations Worldwide) offers this, and was created in 2003. Join our supportive
DIY Baby™CHILD CENTRED community - please 'like' us on facebook and support saying NO to commercial arrangements until practices are radically changed by the fertility authorities.
FSDW (originally Sperm Donors Worldwide) started in 2003. Although controversial, we felt that many
women and couples who wanted desperately to be a
parent-
and would make wonderful parents!-
were
limited in
their
choices, because
of marital status, sexuality, fertility
issues & more.
This isnt fair.
FSDW offers choices- and not just for women- it is also proving successful for men wanting to
co-parent without romance!
The Child Listener works with children and families advising on positive behaviour management strategies and on the development of emotional and social intelligence. She knew therefore how important 'self identity' is, and also that it is predominately the parenting that affects a child the most- whether this be social or/ and biological parents. Biology still matters though- think of the personality traits children inherit from their parents in addition to their looks. It concerned her that sperm donation seemed to be 'marketed' as a product rather than as the DNA of a 'real' person.
When she thought of what she would want and need from a sperm donor this did not match what was available through commercial sites and organisations. It also seemed incredible expensive and invasive. Her main personal concern was that women and couples could not meet and choose the man, or get an accurate idea about him other than statistics on a piece of paper. What would they tell her child about him, having never even met him? As she states 'Suppose he was a complete tool - and wasnt even interested in the child, even if they wanted desperately to meet him at 18?'. The thought of a child knocking on the door of an unknown person who happened to be the biological father- and being rejected- or meeting a man with completely different values- was worrying to her. And this is a very real possibility with commercial known donation - which does not enable the child to request information until 18. If course this is a far better option than anonymous donations which allows them nothing. And over the last few years more and more DC (donor conceived) children have been speaking out as they reach adulthood.
Recently for example, in a large-scale study of donor-conceived people (751 in total) - with about half of the respondents coming from the general public -82 percent of respondents indicated a desire to be in contact someday with their donor (3).
Top reasons for searching were 'To see what he looks like';'To learn more about my ancestry' and 'To learn more about myself'.
Participants in the study claim 'I am angry that I am denied the basic right of knowing who my father was and what ethnicity I am'; and: 'Angry and frustrated that I cant get information about my heritage, genetics, looks, and medical history' (please see research on the
Donor Sibling Registry web site)
However most DC adults have no info. And that is what they are mourning- rather than necessarily a relationship with 'Dad'.
There are now a growing number of DC children who ARE getting information early on in an open and honest way, many also able to contact the donor. It will be interesting to hear of their thoughts about their conception and the donor in another ten or so years.
It does seem pretty clear that, however wonderful you are as parents, the sperm donor still matters to the child. And what especially concerns the Child Listener™ is the effect not knowing about their biological father can have on children who did not (according to them) have wonderful childhoods. This can logically lead to them dreaming of a wonderful 'Dad' who would give them what they think they need. They can blame the fertility authorities on their experiences for facilitating their conception.
Those with an avid interest know of the bitterness that oozes from every post and article written by individuals such as Alana Stewart- the creator of the Anonymous Us project. When Emma approached her, to share details of her 'Children Deserve to Know Where They Come From' campaign site she was horrified to receive an aggressive and angry email attacking her for facilitating private arrangements, or any arrangement that involves using donor sperm. Alana seems to blame all of her problems and issues on the fertility authorities, claiming that they 'killed' her father (presumably meaning they killed any hope of a relationship with him). She is also adamant that abuse frequently happens in families such as hers, where the biological father is not present. And she is an example, to many child psychologists, of what can happen when children have no opportunity to know of their biological father, have parents (social and biological) who do not have the parenting skills they needed and wanted, including knowing how to share information and when. To not really know who you are biologically, or to find out that you are not the person you thought you were- combined with poor experiences and parenting with the adults who were raising you, can be a recipe for disaster.
Unfortunately these individuals are vulnerable, and it can be easy for them to then crusade to abolish assisted reproduction as if it is a black and white issue- even going so far as to openly (and with hostility) condemn and judge those who are considering alternative parenting options. Alana (and the Anonymous Us Project) is being supported by Elizabeth Marquardt (Director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values in New York City ) and others who appear to openly admit to not supporting the right for anyone other than married straight fertile couples to have children. They claim that is is 'selfish' to want to have a child (and do something about it) if they need to use assistance eg donor sperm or eggs. And many associated with this group are also openly against gay and lesbian parenting and marriage. The issues related to anonymous donations are used to 'prove' why assisted reproduction should not, according to them, be 'allowed' as these infertile, gay or single people do not have 'the right' to bring a child into the world. Elizabeth Mardquart is vocal with regards to her view on private donation arrangements, even where the child can have info about the biological father and in many cases develop a relationship with him from birth
Please read' Co-Parenting Before Conception' within which Elizabeth states
'What matters to children is whether their mother and their father are in their home and daily life, taking care of them and watching over them--an experience these co-parenting arrangements sadly never offered even for one day to their child.'
Which The Child Listener™ says is 'highly misleading and inaccurate- she should actually talk to children before generalising about how they feel.' Emma also goes on to claim that the Institute for Family Values seem to think that all children want (and need) a "Mummy and Daddy' and that they want them living in the same household. She appears not, however to actually speak to children raised by loving gay or lesbian couples and find out how many children are yearning for a different scenario. Or speak to children raised by a married straight couple who spend most of their time arguing and no longer love and/ or respect one another, and would be far happier as parents (and therefore better parents) if living apart. As a child with an abusive father if they would prefer to be raised by their mum, as a single mum. The world is a varied place. What children want is love, stability, compassion, consistency etc. And that can come in the form as adults of any gender- gay or straight.
In this article Elizabeth damns adults- such as FSDW members and donors- who do not support anonymous donations, and who want to bring a child into the world and know of both biological parents. So on the one hand they criticize anonymous donation (as do FSDW) however on the other hand they also condemn those who want more for their children. Why? Because it comes back to their idea that only straight married couples 'deserve' the opportunity to be parents. Even, it seems, if they turn out to be really bad ones. And when children seem happy and well balanced socially and emotionally, and they are being raised by single or lesbian women, or gay couples they claim that it just hasn't affected them yet...just wait and see.. appears to be their philosophy.
The worry is also that we can start to think that ALL children 'manufactured' (a popular phrase of theirs) using donor sperm are doomed to lives of bitterness and despair. Alana Stewart claims using a sperm donor (in a commercial setting) leads to ..
1. Commodification of human beings.
2. Higher risks of child abuse for children raised with non-biological men in the house.
3. Higher risks for children to become abusers when they were abused as children.
4. Poverty with no second parent income.
5. Violent behavior in male children raised without fathers & increase in misogyny.
6. Increased risk for teen pregnancy/promiscuity/STDs and sexual infections/feelings of worthlessness for female adolescents with no loving father figure.
7. Toxic Shame
8. Desensitization to materialism and entitlement personality.
9. Desensitization of commodification- children may be likely to prostitute themselves in several senses of the word later in life.
........
She claims (without offering her basis for this statement) that 'the number one predictor of child abuse is a child living in a home with a non-biological male'
However the Child Listener™ takes a different approach, even though she, too, is against commercial 
sperm donation and especially anonymous sperm donation practices. She believes that we should learn from what donor conceived people
tell us- and honour their stories.
They are not all negative. However we do not need to use anonymous donors any longer. People can have children and ALSO offer their children the information they may want. Some may not want it. Some may not want to contact the donor. Some may want to connect not only with the donor but the extended family!
And that should be their choice, if the donor agreed to being known before conception. This is what she is trying to facilitate through FSDW.
Having no biological father in the house does NOT mean a child is going to grow up unhappy.
As one such person stated, in response to an article by Elizabeth Mardquardt (Sperm Donor Kids Speak Out: Our Biological Dads Matter to Us) implying that all sperm donor kids are agreeing with their own stance and assumptions.
This DC adult ' addressed her comment specifically to Alana
Alana Stewart -
First of all, I am a donor conceived adult and you make a lot of broad statements. Not all donor conceived adults will grow up to be depressed
(me being one of them). Also, you say that "children born of DS will never be able to say that they had a father who cared". This is very, very untrue.
I have heterosexual parents (they used a donor because my dad could not have children) and my father loves, adores and endlessly cares about me.
So I think that you need to do some more research on donor conceived adults/people before you make these statements.
Alana's views are distorted by her own experiences. She presumes that donor conceived children do not have fathers who care about 'them' as 'fathers should'.
Many will find this highly offensive. Biology does NOT make you a great father! But she is an example of what can happen in the case of DC children / adults who were conceived using an anonymous donors
Comment by Alana Stewart
As a donor conceived person and someone who has studied A LOT about what "bonds" men to their children, I must say that NO, in general, we are not getting fathers that care about us as fathers should.
Kids who are raised in houses with stepfathers, and especially mother's boyfriends, are MUCH more likely to face child abuse, sexualization, and negligence.
However Emma argues that the 'studying' she has apparently undertaken, regarding male bonding, appears to be very narrow, and that she ignores anything that does not support her view.
Alana also told the Child Listener™
I'm the future- when you make kids this way you are breeding the army that will eventually make this practice illegal or at least highly regulated.
She believes that the Anonymous Us project will show the world that assisted reproduction ('breeding' - or 'manufacturing') should not take place at all-
what I ask is that you not be surprised when the volume of our voices grows and you hear from more and more donor-conceived people that these arrangements are damaging in ways besides just not knowing our fathers' identities.
And although we realise from her comments how angry she is about the way in which she was 'manufactured' we should choose to view this as most definitely NOT a black and white issue. Many feel angry that she is using the Anonymous Us project as a political platform- used as a puppet by Elizabeth Marquardt and others. And that the 'positive' stories are not being told. A woman considering egg donation, and looking into the issue of 'known v anonymous' recently emailed Emma for the first time to say
" After been reading the stories on Anonymous US site it feels sort of depressing. Are all children conceived via egg/sperm donation unhappy? "
And so it is serving its purpose- many are believing what they see on this 'platform' - that apparently all children 'manufactured' using donor sperm or eggs grow up unhappy and with major psychological issues.
That simply isnt true, and there is a big difference between what commercial facilities are doing when compared to what is happening with FSDW.
The FSDW community are, in general, like minded, loving and accepting individuals who realise that there is a much bigger picture- and who focus on solutions rather than judgments and blame. And that experiences are different for all, however we must do what we can to minimize the risks of pain- as with Alana Stewart for future children. And while children can have no opportunity to really know about their biological identities until 18 (or not at all) we should refuse to participate, and turn our backs on commercial assisted reproduction.
The Child Listener™supports the right for anyone who is emotionally stable to raise a child, in a household that is loving, stable, consistent, kind.....basically what we all want from a family!...and where there is a strong support network. She supports those who want to try to offer the most to their children- and this includes information about themselves, and ideally a relationship with the biological father even where there may be an amazing social father. There are no options however for these people by using commercial sperm donation facilities, and it is why she promotes a behaviour code that encourages safe and responsible known sperm donations that are child focused. FSDW sperm donors donate for free, AI only- showing that the intentions are honourable- and the motivation is not primarily 'free sex' or for money.
FSDW sperm donors say that they want to meet and choose who to donate to. They want to know that the child will likely be raised in a kind, loving household by individuals who have a similar outlook on life. Some may even want to know the child is going to be raised by parent/s of the same religion. They choose a woman or couple they can relate to, and who they feel comfortable with. Some want information about the birth and a yearly photo, some are happy to be contacted by the child when / if ready, and some actually want to be involved, but recognising that the couple raising the child are legally the parents. Some do co-parent. It is important to them to choose recipients who want a similar arrangement, and FSDW facilitates this. They want the child to know about them, and to have access to information. Many use the Donor Dad Questionnaire as a starting point for future discussions with the child and really take a lot of time and effort into this document, that will be accessible to the child.
And this is also important for FSDW members. The man as a person matters- they do not consider him to be a 'sperm producer' and want to choose someone they can talk about and explain why they chose him. Children don't want to know that 'we chose him as we were looking for someone over 6ft with blue eyes'. They want to know about him as a person. They want to know 'we chose him as he is so kind, funny, and was really interested in meeting you when you are older' 
Children want to know that they were chosen - that the man chose her parents too. That it was an emotional connection and not a transaction. When choosing a donor at a sperm bank you cannot do that- you can not meet him. Imagine explaining that- a
nd not being able to answer the questions that children want to know. 'Does he like chocolate ice-cream like me?' I'm not sure you could email the NY Cyrobank and ask 'Does donor 5697 like chocolate ice-cream or strawberry- his daughter wants to know. If you choose well, the FSDW donor you choose will email you right back with an answer.
And donors do not have to wonder if the sperm was used and by whom. They know. It isnt a shock 18 years later to find that someone you knew nothing about is wanting to meet you. We hope that this man is excited and willing. But suppose he was just trying to earn a few bucks during college and has no interest- or has since had 7 years in prison for assault and battery?
So why are people still using sperm banks that do not allow recipients to choose a man (other than as a sperm producer) and who do not allow for men to choose who to donate to. Sperm banks that do not allow for the parties to even now about each other or meet for 18 years? Of course the quick answer is the waiting time- they look at this factor first. For example someone recently said
"
In Sweden the donor is known and the waiting time for a egg donor is approximately 2 years and therefore most people turn to Estonia or other European countries with anonymous donors and no waiting time. "
For many they want to be pregnant quickly, and either do not actually appreciate the issues already mentioned- and more- or just dont want to wait.
Fertility clinics and banks support this when they fail to really talk about the 'real' side of donor conception so that they can make more informed choice. Many US sperm banks offer online ordering and the shipment of fresh sperm to a home address as if its a new jacket. Sperm donation is advertised as if the man himself doesn't come with the product. Like giving blood. But he does. He lives on with the child forever.
Look at the latest campaign within Australia for example-
"
Sperm Donation: More Fun Than Giving Blood"
Luckily it does not seem to be working- with Australia still only having around 50 registered sperm donors.
Commercial fertility clinics and sperm banks often (usually) fail to be honest about the implications to the men themselves
- and what they are giving away. How the child may feel. How they might feel! It is not in their best interest, even fewer men who donate, and they would not make money.
They have to, therefore, fail to share with these men ' having fun!- that the clinic then doesn't give them any chance to rectify that decision, or
to be known and care for the child when growing up. Even if they want to.
They have no rights to a human being they are linked to and may be their only heir.
For many they have been so scared by the press, regarding the use of fresh sperm that they want to make sure the sperm is tested, frozen and quarantined before use- so they they know it is safe.
For example :
OTTAWA - Health Canada is informing Canadians about the potential dangers of using fresh donor semen for assisted conception. Various websites provide a listing of Canadian semen donors available to provide fresh donor semen to Canadian women for assisted conception. It is important to note that the distribution of fresh semen is prohibited by paragraph 5.(b)(ii) of the Processing and Distribution of Semen for Assisted Conception Regulations.
They use misleading wording- implying that fresh sperm is distributed, rather than reporting that these web sites simply connect people who then make their own arrangement. And in 2010 FSDW was issued a warning that they could not permit Canadian donors to advertise AI donations. They have to have sex to donate and be seen as a 'sexual partner' or could face prosecution. Bizarre if public health is the aim, and especially as the issue of unprotected sex is now potentially a huge risk.
Since
creating Sperm Donors Worldwide (now known as FSDW- Free Sperm Donations Worldwide) to offer choices the fertility authorities in the UK, Australia and Canada have spoken of the risks of using fresh sperm. It seems that this is their only weapon, and they conveniently gloss over the even greater risks to the child who will grow up not having access to the most basic of information about themselves. And it is their resoonsibility to warn people- as does Emma. She warns them to reduce risks and NOT engage in unprotected sex, and instead to use AI with tested donors. In reality FSDW private sperm donors are tested much more comprehensively than married partners - most FSDW would-be parent/s will wait for HIV and STD test results- to at least be fairly sure he is healthy. Of course the six month period when HIV might not yet be showing up in a blood test is a real concern. But something people go into accepting this- as most do when having sex with a romantic partner for the first time. Very few get tested, abstain from sex for six months, and then get tested again.
Ironically the HFEA etc are becoming more and more justified in these warnings, as multiple 'private sperm donation connections' web sites and forums have cropped up, with several businessmen seeing a way to make a fast buck and not caring whether their site turns into a 'free sex' site masquerading as NI donations. They are all very different and The Child Listener™ wrote an article about 'How to choose a sperm donor to at least offer some advice and support in a few hundred words. The health risks were highlighted last year when a lesbian couple realised the 'would-be-mum' had HIV after using 'NI' donations with men she and her partner met through free open forums. FSDW it seems was one of the only sperm donation sites they did not use, most probably as there is a membership fee to access the members only area, and also as there is a strictly AI only rule. They had posted about preferring NI despite being gay, and had been having NI with various donors who in turn were having NI with others. You can only imagine the health risks. Many STDs are also transmitted though NI and not SI- genital herpes, Chlamydia to name just a couple. The latter being difficult to detect, currently rife, and can cause infertility.
FSDW encourages doctors and medical facilities to
offer inexpensive testing, freezing and quarantining of sperm for
home self-insemination.
FSDW donors and members can therefore choose each other, create a child focused parenting arrangement (generally with the donor relinquishing
parental rights but being known, and keeping options open for future relationships) and also maintain safety. Most do not need IUI or IVF,
they can inseminate at home.
Another reason many choose sperm banks is because they do not feel comfortable with the thought of anyone else having access to 'their child'. They conveniently ignore that there is a biological parent, often thinking that if they are wonderful parents the child wont care. That just isn't true. Some will care, very much. And some will just be curious and may want information, and some wont be bothered. But can we as parent take that chance? And of course the fertility clinics advertise anonymous donations as something positive.
'California program provides fully anonymous egg, sperm donors' is the advertising headline in a recent google sponsored listing I saw. As if 'fully anonymous' is a good thing. And without educating
would-be-parents they will not know any better.
Even the best parenting in the world still does not mean you have the right to withhold this information about a child's self. And that is an oxymoron surely- how can you offer 'the best parenting' if you choose to deny them this information? And parents do not need to feel threatened- it is the person soothing nightmares, cheering at soccer games etc who is the 'real' parent in the child's eyes.
So we need to recognise what the commercial businesses are doing, and offer more support and education regarding having a child but also making sure they have any information they may want - before 18. We need to help people see that if they have to use sperm from a bank at the very least it should be from a 'known' donor.
We should be exploring alternative arrangements that give those involved more choices, and the laws need to be reviewed to keep up with modern parenting. If we are to put the rights and needs of children first- those without a voice, or choice- we cannot continue to bring children into the world who cannot know who they are. Children deserve to know where they come from. It should be a basic right- and not knowing of this be deemed unconstitutional. Not just that they can find out at 18- but that they cant find out when they most want to know about themselves, and when their identities and 'self-imagine; is being formed.
Knowing who you are isnt the be all and end al for every donor conceived person. Not all feel like Alana Stewart however she is justified in feeling the way she feels about her own life. She didn't have a choice. She still doesnt- she cannot find out information about the man who chose to donate his sperm anonymously. This is not something any child or adult should feel.
So please, work together with us to find solutions. Solutions that keep families together- even though the way they work may not be the 'traditional' way (and what is that these days anyway?) Solutions that protect people legally, and also helps to reduce risks regarding health. If we could combine what is being facilitated at FSDW with medical centers so that the sperm can be tested, along with the donor and his family health history be detailed etc, then we could work out a way to offer assisted reproduction that does not ignore or rob people of relationships.
The Child Listener™ believes that we should honour every biological parent. A child's birth certificate should be a record of birth- the biological parents- but also the legal ones. This could allo
w a 'sperm donor' to be on the birth certificate, as a true record of the child's biological origins and a way to trace him however this would not give him parental rights. A social parent who chooses to bring a child in the the world with a biological parent- using donor sperm- should be recognised as the legal parent, and able to adopt the child to be the second primary carer. Surely we can work this out legally- with a donor being able to relinquish parental rights before the birth, and for the social parent to legally adopt the child, regardless of gender. If of course the arrangement prior to conception was that this be a co-parenting arrangement then the donor and biological mother would be on the certificate as biological parents and also legal parents, even if the mother married. The co-parenting arrangement would still stand. And that is one of the great things about connecting through FSDW arrangements are made before conception. Contracts are easier to create. And when all parties are happy that they are being protected they can get on with developing a relationship with the child, a relationship that will change over time, as the child decides what he or she wants.
The world is changing and if the laws, health and fertility authorities do not address what is actually happening we cannot moderate it effectively. If you say no to abortion does it stop abortion- or does abortion start to take place illegally, putting lives at risk? With more and more 'donations' taking place outside of clinics as people are not getting what they need from clinics a whole range of potential disasters are likely to erupt. Say no to commercial practices! but also say no sites that facilitate or promote NI, payment for sperm etc. Men wanting sex can do so in multiple other ways. Keep 'sperm donation' separate from 'sex'. Choose a site like FSDW where recipients and donors are supported, and encouraged to make decisions that will work for all short and long term. Stay safe, and work with us to also bring about change, and force the health authorities to offer choices regarding inexpensive testing, freezing and storing of known sperm while quarantined for six months. In the interest of public health safety this has to be considered by your government.
And while there are so many risks and decision to be made
FSDW members continue to praise and applaud FSDW donors for
donating to them and at least offering a small place in cyberspace to put their dreams of building a family into action, but not at the expense
of their child.
If you would like to donate your best swimmers to a limited number of recipients through AI only (no 
sex) and for no payment (genuine expenses are of course covered by recipients) and as a known donor only please do apply here. FSDW look to recruit men who genuinely care about who they donate to, and who also think of the bigger picture. Men who children will be proud to know of as their 'Dondad' and who are happy to be contacted by them if they wish. You may also wish to register if you are only looking to donate once, and to actually co-parent. Many of our single members and donors have done that- and at least one donor and member are now happily married and raising their child together!
If you have any questions please do email Emma in confidence. Or post your general questions on our new facebook page!
Children 1st ! Fertility Solutions for the 21st Century
